


Captain's Log

by Whisper132



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-20
Updated: 2012-08-21
Packaged: 2017-11-12 12:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whisper132/pseuds/Whisper132
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Per Director Fury's recommendation, I have begun recording my observations on Tony Stark and his suitability to continue as a part of the Avengers team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to Stark Laboratories

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Reddwarfer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reddwarfer/gifts).



_Per Director Fury's recommendation, I have begun recording my observations on Tony Stark and his suitability to continue as a part of the Avengers team. Truthfully, I'm uncertain why such a report needs to be made as Mr. Stark is clearly not of exemplary moral character. He is rude, defaces public landmarks for personal enjoyment and, perhaps most disturbingly, he openly endorses necrophilia._

_  
_

Stark's lab was unlike anything Steve had ever seen, even counting the S.H.I.E.L.D. labs he'd been in. The space was no doubt home to some of the finest equipment on the planet, but also…

"Oh, don't mind them. They're just sniffing up the new guy." Tony clapped his hands. "Come on, guys. Give him some room."

The robot poking lightly at Steve's hip rolled away. The one photographing his crotch took a few more snapshots before moving its crane arm and allowing Steve to pass by.

"Was all that really necessary?" Steve asked even as Tony waved his hand in the air and the snapshots came up. "What's all that writing?"

"Average body temperature, approximate penis size…the usual stuff." Tony tapped a piece of data. "Lookin' good, Captain. I'll make some calls and make sure the new suit isn't so tight; wouldn't want to damage the goods."

The last thing Steve ever wanted to see was a disturbingly accurate robotic artist's rendition of his genitalia. "My suit's fine," he managed, turning to give a quick glare at the robot that had invaded his personal space more thoroughly than the guy who'd chipped the ice out of his ass crack while he was asleep. Phil swore the technician wore gloves and was nothing but professional.

"So anyway…" Tony beat on a table top as though it were a bongo. "If you're gonna stick around, you need to be versed in some of the basics. Jarvis! Pull up the manual."

"Don't you think it would be more prudent to wait until your guest has unpacked his things and had lunch, sir?"

"Don't argue, just show us the manual." He handed Steve a tablet. "This baby's got everything you need to know. Emergency laboratory exit procedures, reactor shutoff protocol—it's all there."

Steve skimmed through the document. "I don't see any of that."

"It's in there, right after favorite sexual positions and how I like my coffee." Tony scratched his head. "You know, coffee'd be really good. Jarvis! Have someone bring coffee!"

"You sent everyone home, sir. Shall I play the memo back to you?"

"That won't be—"

Tony's voice boomed through the speakers. "To all members of staff. As a generous gift to you and to ensure that I can get my mack on without interference, today is a half day. Rejoice! Oh, and clear out in the next twenty minutes or…you're fired. Yeah."

In an attempt to remain professional, Steve returned his attention to the tablet in his hands.

"You'll need to sign a waiver if you're going to be in the lab for longer than an hour," Stark said. "It's standard non-disclosure stuff, safety, that kinda thing. It's the last page. A digital fingerprint will be sufficient."

Steve skipped through the final section of the manual, entitled How Not to Incinerate Your Coworkers, and began going through the document. He paused when he came to item 5. "In the event that the reactor powering Mr. Stark malfunctions during sexual activity, please continue as planned until orgasm is achieved by both parties. The residual power of the reactor should be enough to get Mr. Stark where he needs to go and, honestly, if he's going to die, he'd rather…is this a joke?"

"Hardly." Tony sidled up behind Steve and looked at the tablet from around Steve's shoulder. "The endorphins released during orgasm coupled with the residual radiation should, theoretically, act like jumper cables, packing enough juice to keep me going until I can swap out my power source." He smacked Steve on the ass. "So if I go down, all you've gotta do is go down and you'll be able to save me, hero." While Steve was busy being horrified, Tony picked up his hand and initiated the digital imprint. "Good to have you aboard, Captain."

 

_I would like it noted in the S.H.I.E.L.D. records that the contract entered into with Mr. Stark is not to be considered legally binding. I was in shock and he cheated. I recommend his immediate dismissal._


	2. Product Development

_First, I would like it noted that the curtain of condoms arranged across my office window in the semblance of our nation's flag was offensive and inappropriate for the workplace. While I cannot prove that Mr. Stark was to blame (security camera footage for the hour was lost), an official S.H.I.E.L.D. lab investigation reports that the adhesive used to stick the condoms together contained traces of unknown elements. Mr. Stark has, during his employ, created five new, distinct elements, mostly for use in the Iron Man suit, though I do not believe him above doing so for frivolous pursuits._

 

Tony knocked on the door of the modified janitorial closet Steve referred to as his office. "Looks like you're keeping America safe, Captain." He tapped a finger against the condom curtain that, despite R&D's best efforts, would not come unstuck from the ceiling. "I think it's sending a positive message to the kids. Good job."

The only reason Steve had an office at Stark Laboratories was to give him a quiet place to get away from Tony's never-ending innuendo. He was also getting tired of Dr. Banner laughing and telling him that "giving into the beast" was the only way to regain a sense of peace. "Giving into the beast" only gave Steve an ache in his lower back and the nickname Hotbuns. 

"I have work," Steve said. He gestured to the laptop that he still wasn't entirely sure how to work beyond word documents and emails. 

"And you're workin' it, Hotbuns." Tony slipped fully into the room and closed the door. "You know, I sound-proofed this room in case we needed to discuss sensitive topics." 

"And yet you failed to install a lock," Steve said, looking back to his report detailing why he wasn't a spy and Barton or Romanoff would be better suited to evaluating Stark's effectiveness as a team member. 

"Are we really having this discussion again?" Tony asked while swiping two days of work off Steve's desk and into anarchy on the floor. "I hope you're going to say no, because it took a lot of work to get this room all prettied up for you. I even invented new condoms."

"You wha—"

"I used the data the bots got on you to make a few custom designs. I even had the lubricant altered to your body chemistry." Tony threw open his arms. "Am I a great guy or what, huh?"

"You mean to tell me you've been wasting time—"

"Oh, it's not wasted." Tony swiped up Steve's laptop, saved the document he was working on, and tossed the machine aside. "It's only wasted if we don't use them. And I also used the lubricant recipe to make a better replacement for knee cartilage and faster setting jello."

It was…strangely flattering to know he had something to do with a medical advancement, even if that advancement came as a result of an egomaniac's obsession with sex.

"So I was thinking," Tony continued, "that we could do some field testing before I roll the product out to the masses."

"No. I'm working." Steve looked across the room to his laptop. It lay on the floor, half open, cursor still blinking in an empty word document.

"How is product testing not work?" Tony hopped off the desk and, with an ease that would have R&D shouting murder at him, removed one of the condoms from the curtain. 

"How did you do that?"

Tony tapped his chest. "The power of love. Or lust. Possibly a neutralizing solvent I applied to my fingers while you weren't looking. The important thing is that the future of promiscuity rides on the next few minutes. Do your duty, Captain." 

 

_It should be further noted that I find the new S.H.I.E.L.D. endorsed Captain's Brand Condoms equally offensive and would like to request that my likeness be removed from the box. Additionally, I have heard rumors of a sexual aid created in my likeness. If such a product rolls into production, I will tender my resignation immediately, no matter how profitable the product might be._


	3. Ethical Use of Technology

_Mr. Stark not only displays blatant disregard for the safety of others, but also their privacy. He has, within the last week, made use of the Iron Man suit to threaten civilians he feels are a danger to S.H.I.E.L.D. and its goals without providing sufficient evidence for his claims._

 

"Mr. Stark."

"I don't want to talk about it." Tony slipped behind the bar and poured himself a drink.

Steve took the decanter and the glass. "This is getting ridiculous."

Tony pulled another glass and decanter from under the bar. "I like pygmy hippos. Know why? They're cute. Also, when I say I don't want to talk about things, they don't go ahead and talk anyway. They're courteous."

"Tony—"

"Ah ah!" Tony raised his finger to Steve's lips. "Pygmy hippos. Think about it."

Steve didn't want to think about wildlife. Steve was busy thinking about how Tony used Jarvis to track down someone on the internet simply because he took a picture from a press conference and added some text to insinuate that Thor liked to do certain things to Captain America with his hammer. It was a funny little picture made more comical because nobody would explain it to Thor when he saw it and couldn't understand the joke.

Memes were not a reason to blast open a guy's house and shake him down, especially when that guy was a middle school student.

"What are your thoughts on Hawaii?" Tony took a sip of his drink and wiggled his hips in a poor facsimile of a hula.

"Leave that nice man alone. He wrote a very sweet fanletter and—"

"He's a creeper. Did you know he downloaded some weird porno with a guy dressed in a Captain America suit jerking off?" Tony's glass was empty and he began to fidget.

"They have those?" Steve was torn between being flattered and repulsed. On the one hand, not everyone inspired porn but, on the other hand, if the porn wasn't tastefully done it was really more insult than homage.

"Hey, Jarvis! Pull up 'Captain Does America' would ya?" A video screen materialized on the wall. "Skip to sixteen minutes and thirty-two seconds." 

"Why—"

"It's the money shot."

The video began and a man in a very loose fitting Captain America Halloween costume turned his sweaty face to the camera.

Steve winced as the camera panned out. "What did he just do with that hammer?"

"See, and you thought that kid was harmless!" Tony curled up behind Steve, molding himself against the broader man. "You don't want that kind of thing spreading, do you? Aren't you glad I put a stop to it?" 

The video paused and fragmented. Jarvis' voice echoed through the room. "Recording and upload is complete, sir."

Steve froze. "What just happened?"

"Excellent. Have you substituted data on all sites?" Tony was still cradled against Steve, trying his best to wiggle his fingers under Steve's skin tight blue shirt. 

"As instructed, sir, though I might suggest—"

"Don't need suggestions. No. Wait. Where can we go to see some pygmy hippos?"

Steve turned, picked up Tony, and tossed him toward a chair. "Jarvis, what recording?"

"Shall I play it for you, Captain Rogers?"

"Please." 

 

_I would like to request Mr. Stark be detained on charges of slander and sexual harassment. I would further like to request that S.H.I.E.L.D. take action to remove the 'Captain Pumping Iron' video from circulation. You will find it masquerading as a file entitled 'Captain Does America.' I would like it noted that I do not now, nor have I ever consented to my off duty activities being captured on video. Mr. Stark should not only be removed from the Avengers, he should be imprisoned. Attached, please find my vacation notice form. I will be visiting friends in an undisclosed location while Mr. Stark reflects upon his actions._


	4. Word of Mouth Advertising

_I would like to suggest that Mr. Stark no longer be permitted to mention his standing with the Avengers on television. I further suggest that S.H.I.E.L.D. take measures to ensure that Mr. Stark appears on no more talk shows. His ability to reveal secret information for the sake of shock and humor is unrivaled. I recommend keeping sensitive information on paper in safes on the compound rather than stored electronically where Mr. Stark can access them._

 

Tony scratched at his beard. "Well, to tell you the truth, we're all pretty much a sign of how science rules everything. Except Thor. He's kind of…a freak of nature. If you consider gods a part of nature. I think the jury's still out on that one, though."

The late night talk show host smiled and gestured for Tony to continue.

"I mean there's the Hulk, right?" Tony flexed his arms and snarled "Gamma rays, fun!" He scratched his beard again. "If you have enough money and are decently smart, you can irradiate yourself and maybe have your subconscious create you an alter ego, too. And me, well…" Tony ran his hands over his chest. "I'm what happens when money fucks science and they have beautiful, virile babies."

The audience laughed. Watching from the side of the studio, Steve sighed. One of the assistants brought him a glass of water and smiled at him. "I'm a big fan," the guy whispered, his fingers brushing over Steve's when he handed over the paper cup.

"What about Captain America?" the host asked Tony.

"Viagra." Tony turned and gave the camera a cheesy smile. "Really, really strong Viagra with a chaser of steroids and a dash of testosterone." 

Steve closed his eyes and reminded himself that it was bad press for Captain America to throttle someone on national television, even if that someone clearly deserved it.

"So," the host laughed a bit nervously, "are you suggesting that Captain America—"

"Is always at the ready? Has a triple reinforced crotch in his uniform? Recovers in seventy-two seconds on average?"

"—is gay?"

Tony froze in is chair, his mouth twitching. "I'm saying," he began once the audience had stilled to a pin drop silence, "that you have a personal assistant who's about to get jet blasted by a remote device if he doesn't back up a minimum of two meters." He pulled out a handheld tablet. 

The assistant took Steve's empty water cup and hustled away.

The host laughed nervously and followed Tony's line of sight. "I think that's all the time we've got for today. We'll be back with Skippy the Wonder Elephant after the commercial break."

Tony shook the host's hand and jogged over to Steve. "That went better than expected."

Steve's eyebrow twitched. "What's Viagra?" He had a feeling it wasn't something he'd be flattered by.

Tony grabbed Steve's ass and used it to steer him out of the studio. "You know that energy drink I gave you last month? The one that tastes the way Thor smells after he and the Hulk wrestle?"

"The orange one?"

"That's the one. Viagra is like that only more…localized." He gave Steve's ass a squeeze. "I'm hungry. How does Italian sound?"

"You didn't actually answer my question, did you?"

Tony pecked Steve on the cheek. "You're right. We had Italian yesterday. We'll do Indian."

 

_I would like to thank Dr. Banner for instructing me on the use of Google and Wikipedia. They have become an invaluable resource to me. My thanks also to the public relations team for fielding all the men's stimulant endorsement and pride parade grand marshal requests. Intern Zebrowski was particularly helpful in removing the "Property of T. Stark" labels that were adhered to my uniforms. I recommend that he be hired at the close of his internship. I again urge that Mr. Stark's involvement with the Avengers be terminated and he seek psychiatric help._


	5. Final Assessment

_While Mr. Stark has shown a variety of unsavory habits, it must also be noted that he can, on occasion, show great dedication to his intellectual pursuits and displays effective time management and ingenuity in a crisis situation._

_  
_

Tony walked into the debriefing room and slid himself across the table. "That report's taking you far too long. Don't we have people for that? And, more importantly, where's that new computer I made you?"

Steve's hand stilled over the paperwork. "I like doing my reports the old fashioned way."

"Yeah, well, that's great when the nostalgia hits you, but it's date night." Tony plucked the pen out of Steve's hand.

"We don't have a date night; we have apologies to send and checks to issue because you blew up a city block to see if the new suit could handle the impact."

"And aren't you glad that it could?"

Steve couldn't hide the small smile. Yes, he was pleased that the new suit would keep his…valued teammate safe should a low level nuclear blast go off in a laboratory buried twelve miles under the city. He was less pleased that Dr. Banner was now obsessed with creating a new low level nuclear blast that would be strong enough to destroy the suit. The game of Chicken had become more complex in the last seventy years.

The door to the room burst open. "I have come for the paper demons so that you may attend to the metal man's buttocks," Thor declared.

Steve scowled at Tony. "What did you tell him this time?"

"I may have mentioned that being exposed to a certain amount of radiation is bad for my ticker and the serum running around in your sweet self acts as a buffer." Tony licked his lips.

Thor pulled Steve's chair away from the table. He clapped his hand on Steve's shoulder and gave a squeeze. "It is a noble thing that you do."

"Totally noble," Tony agreed.

Steve was torn between doing what was right and avoiding the hassle of explaining to Thor that semen was not magical. The first would ensure that Captain America remained an upstanding role model. The second would ensure that Captain America would never be able to look his Asgardian teammate in the face without blushing.

"We appreciate your help," Steve said after a bit more deliberation. He grabbed Tony by the wrist, dragging him across the table and out of the room.

"Now before you start in on me, I'd like to remind you that this is completely your fault."

"How is your lie my fault?" Steve crossed his arms over his chest, waiting to hear the latest of Tony Stark's grand delusions.

" _I'm_ not the one who's working on our anniversary." Tony threw his hands up when Steve looked at him in disbelief. "Exactly one year ago today you injected me with a little of the Captain's magic."

Steve blinked. "I did?" In his defense, the whole under ice incident had severely warped his ability to perceive the passage of time.

Tony's face fell and he began walking away. "Oh my god, he forgot all about it." He pulled a crewman by the arm and pointed back at Steve. "See that guy? He was the first man I'd ever had, and he forgot all about it."

The crewman looked from Tony to Steve and back. "Uh…sorry, man. That's…too bad."

"He spread me out across a bed of beautiful roses and—"

"I would remember that. You're lying." Steve jogged up and made Tony release his captive. "It was just a normal bed in my apartment. Then in your helicopter. Then in the weapons storage locker. Then—" He was briefly cut off by Tony's lips on his. "Guess I do remember, huh?"

"You know, we never made it to Fury's office." Tony nibbled at Steve's ear. "He's in DC for the week."

Steve lifted Tony off the ground and the other man's legs wrapped around his waist. "I did promise Thor I would attend to these," he said, cupping Tony's backside. "I wouldn't want to be a liar."

 

_I would like to extend my apologies to Director Fury for the state of his office upon his return. We were unaware that the conference had been cancelled. It is my hope that the incident in question will be overlooked during member evaluations later this month. The situation was abnormal and, as a debriefing with Thor will confirm, of the utmost urgency. Under the stressful conditions, I found Mr. Stark handled himself with the utmost professionalism possible and hereby retract my previous statements regarding his ability to function as a full member of the Avengers team. Mr. Stark's dedication is absolute and need not be questioned further._

 


End file.
